Random Thoughts

Over the past year I have made a complete 360 with my life. I often think about where my life was before I discovered a healthy lifestyle. All I did was smoke pot, I don't really remember being sober in high school...at all. I also struggled with behavioral issues, uncontrollable bursts of anger, anxiety and depression. I used food as a way to heal myself. It was a viscous cycle...I had a very dysfunctional relationship with food. It was my best friend yet my worst enemy all at the same time.

Literally, I ate my feelings. And never did I hold myself accountable for my actions. It was always something or someone else.

I found a lot of comfort in the "juggalo" scene during my high school years. I had friends that were like me. Since I was under my older sisters wing, I was able to travel a lot and party with "rock stars" at 16. I was part of a world of misfits...a part of my life I certainly do miss. I did things at 16 years old that most people in their 30's haven't done (I really hope my mother doesn't read this). After high school, I packed up and moved 1500 miles away from my family and learned how to live life on my own two feet. Biggest learning experience of my life and if it wasn't for that I would have never gotten the motivation to go to college. It freakin' sucked working 50 hours a week just to barely make the rent and live on cereal and Ramen noodles 24/7.

With that said, I wouldn't change a THING about my past. These events served as a prerequisite of what was to become of my life. My experiences have shaped who I am as a human being; strong, resilient and self sufficient.

I understand that my hobbies and interests have changed over the years. They might seem "out of the norm" for a lot of people. Yeah, I'm the girl at your BBQ eating a breadless burger and doing pushups and stretches at the beach (no joke, this is where I'm writing this). But that is fine by me. It's who I am. I like having this world to call my own, I'm drawn to the "freaky" nature of the fitness industry. I never truly felt like I fit in anywhere until now. This is where I want to be.

My old relationships have suffered a little bit since I'd rather spend my time at the gym or hiking instead of being at a bar (don't get me wrong, I occasionally have the urge to get my drank on ;) ). But I know I'm not abnormal, there are millions of people like me...I just haven't found them in Rhode Island yet....which leads me to set a new goal.

• Finding better relationships

This has always been a struggle for me, that whole putting yourself out there thing is scary. But I'm armed with a new leash on life. I know I can do this. If I can get through physically challenging workouts there is really no excuse to not smile more and say "hi" to a total stranger now and then. For some reason, it's super hard for me. I've always been jealous of people like my sister who can walk into a room full of strangers and leave with 5 new friends. It just comes so natural to her.

I digress.

For me, the hardest part of this journey has been learning to love myself. It's REALLY easy to focus on the negatives. I'm not 100% there yet, but I've made great progress. I still have fears I have to face. I still have to learn to let go and learn to trust other people. I still have to accept that I cannot do everything on my own. I still have to learn to ask for help when I need it.

I HAVE TO LEARN THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BEING WEAK AND BEING HUMAN.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to depend on some one else for a little support. It's okay to trust.

I know that sometimes I post really stupid pictures of quad progressions and whatnot on my Facebook. But I want people to understand that above all...this is an emotional journey. It all starts with your mind. Sometimes I even lose sight of this.

This is about finding yourself and figuring out who you are. The rest will fall into place after that.

I just so happened to find myself through lifting and nutrition. For you it maybe something different. It maybe music, art, business, your children or whatever it is that makes you get out of bed in the morning.

Find your passion. Master your craft. Own it. But be sure to take care of yourself along the way. What use are you if you aren't 100%?

I'm really not sure where this post went...I just let my pen do the work...but I feel it's appropriate to close it off with one of my favorite lyrics..


"Bloom where your plant is planted. Understand the planter's plan. This is your ground so stand it."