2010, new decade, new me, new goals.

The past decade was pretty weird. A mixture of bad, and good times. Then again, I was an adolescent, started high school, discovered boys, discovered music, traveled a lot, got into trouble, moved to Minnesota and started college. I didn't realized what an eventful decade it has been until I did some stupid quiz thing on Facebook.

But anyhow, this past year in particular has been rough. This, I will not focus on. After today, 2009 is gone. :)

So, I am taking the time to establish some new goals for myself which I hope are realistic, and attainable.
.

Health

• Reach my goal weight of 180 pounds by March. I originally had said May but at the rate I am going, I can reach it sooner. I have been trending an average of an 8-10 pound loss a month. I am a mere 12 pounds away from this.
  
• Be able to run 5 miles on a treadmill.
• Be able to do a real push up on my toes and all.
• Try Yoga
• GET INTO THE FREE WEIGHT AND DUMB BELL SECTION OF MY GYM!
  

Personal

• Focus on building confidence, and focus less on my weaknesses.
• Put myself out there more to people
• Finish CCRI with a GPA of at least 3.50
• Realize that I am good enough, smart enough and dog-gone it...people like me!

Thoughts

I have lost 38 pounds! I'm at a steady 194 these days. Pretty cool, given my focus wasn't on weight loss all December. I just wanted to maintain! I hate to say, only because the clothes are just oh so cute...I can't wait to not be able to fit in Torrid clothes. My sister and I went out clothes shopping for the first time ever at Kohl's. I can now fit in XL's in most stores (still aiming to be able to purchase lingerie from Victoria's Secret!). This is the kind of stuff I had missed out on, so I am pretty excited. It's a big confidence booster!

Now, I'm shooting to get these last two off by January 10th.

I have made it through the holiday's!

*gives myself a slap on the ass*


For December, my goal was to just stay in the 195-197 pound range, which I did successfully. I figured to ease up on trying to lose weight with a month full of holiday parties, and various other stresses. Why add another to the mix?

So, first time ever I have not seen any holiday weight gain...I have actually lost 6 pounds since Thanksgiving.

Can't wait for January to come so I can really get crackin' at it again, I could be at my goal weight before my birthday!!!

I like it when things just fall into place

I have been looking into take a class on the weekends for the longest time. I've been looking at everything from yoga, karate, kickboxing and zumba classes.

Last night, while I was at work and old manager for Hot Topic came in. We used to be pals back in my management days, but she quit Hot Topic like 8 months ago so I haven't seen her in forever.

She immediately noticed my weight loss, telling me that I looked "tinier" (which I am starting to get used to, and I'm starting to enjoy it). So, since she is really into fitness and nutrition we started talking about what we do, yada yada yada. I told her that I was looking into classes just to break up the monotony of the gym.

So, she referred me to a yoga studio in Attleboro that is geared towards college students. Classes with a college ID are $9 and I guess you can volunteer work for free classes. Half hour of work= a free class.

Random post, yes. But it made my week. After the holiday's, I am going to check out the studio!

The biggest reason I hate being fat

Side Note: I do not write things as a means of self loathing, nor will these depressing posts get me off track. If anything, it helps me. If I get off my chest, it lingers off my mind. Losing a significant amount of weight isn't easy. Weight plays a huge role in shaping your identity, and at times, I struggle with my own. Weight extends beyond your physical health, half of this process should largely deal with emotional baggage that comes with it.




LIVING WITH SHAME

My entire life has been surrounded about worrying about my appearance. It's time consuming, and energy depleting to live with such anxiety. Especially, in the relationship department. I never got guys in my teens. I hung around with girls who were significantly thinner and much more beautiful than I was. I was the typical tag along fat friend. Even today, there are many times when I go out to bars or clubs with friends, only to watch them have drinks bought for them almost the entire night. I see them get hit on without even trying, and only to listen to them bitch and moan about it after. Then there is me, envious that I don't get that sort of attention. Though, I do realize it is irrational to blame it totally on my appearance. Perhaps I don't smile enough, or make appropriate eye contact. I'm a terrible flirt.

On the occasion that I do meet a nice fella, I'm sick with worry about what he thinks of me. I wonder what kind of girls he "normally" dates. I intentionally shrug off any compliment he gives me. "He is just trying to sleep with me, God forbid that any man in his right mind would find me attractive". Then if I allow myself to feel comfortable with him, I'll sleep with him. But I dread the part where he will be undressing me, and touching me. In every essence it is humiliating.

Ugh, and when he'll ask for me to get on top....I really would just like to run away and projectile vomit. But I do it anyway, pretending to be enthusiastic. While I think of other positions he might enjoy but at the same time will make me look as less fat as possible. Nothing makes you feel more feminine than being bigger than the person you are fucking.

Oh, and let's not forget..the lights must be turned off. Pitch black preferably.

And then when everything is all said and done, I immediately put my clothes back on. He's fucking stupid if he thinks I'm gonna cuddle without a shirt on. HA! Oh, and of course, I must reapply the make up. My zits might gross him out too.


And then I wonder why I don't get a call back.

Not such a good night.

I went to an awkward family Christmas party last night. I did pretty well with food there...ate a huge bowl of salad, a small slice of pizza...and one dessert.

Ended up doing an hour of cardio at the gym afterwords. Went home, continued to do well with the eating thing until.......I smoked a blunt with Sara, which I never smoke blunts anymore.

I was just totally over powered by munchies...eating things I never eat. Cherry slices anyone? I'm not a fan of gummy crap, it hurts my teeth. But, I insisted on eating like 8 of them. A serving size is 3 and at 150 calories.

I then ate more pizza, and my dad made a burger.

:'(

I was up all night tossing and turning with anxiety over what this crap was doing to my body. I woke up this morning weighing 198 pounds. Which I guess is still good, I'm not focused on losing right now, just retaining my weight loss. I feel like if I aim to lose during the holidays I will be setting myself up for failure. So I suppose I am still within my goals...it's just trying not to get my piss hot over a 1 pound gain that is most likely water from sodium.

Really though, with weed...I really just don't want to smoke that much at one time. I know what I can handle now. *thinks back to how much I used to be able to do* I'm getting old. :( LOL

Today is a new day though, bout to go shovel snow which can burn 100's of calories. I will chalk this up as a fantastic total body routine :D

Major accomplishment!

Last night, I had gone out to Angelo's Pizza with a few girls from work. I was pretty nerve wrecked all day about what I was going to eat. Basically, making a big deal out of the nothing.

Angelo's menu is really heavy , rich, Italian food (which is my favorite, btw). I was browsing the menu pretty overwhelmed wondering how many calories were in these dishes.

Anyways, I had ordered a grilled chicken grinder on a wheat wrap with lettuce and tomato. I opted for an oil and vinegar dressing instead of a mayo or any other high calorie dressing. I was gonna do Sangria with my dinner, but chose White Zinfandel instead. Yes, White Zin is still a sweet wine but generally less sugar and calories than Sangria.
The best part is, the other girls ordered a pizza with pepperoni and bacon on it. If this were me 6 months ago, I would have chowed hardcore. However, I found myself more disgusted by the grease than anything.

Here is what I did to prepare for my outing....

1. Eat a low calorie/high protein breakfast, lunch and a snack in between. Protein keeps you full for hours, and this will leave enough calories to indulge a little.
2. Browse the menu before going out, it helps to have an idea of what you are going to eat instead of ordering something under pressure. Under pressure ordering leads to poor choices.
3. Look for things on the menu that have vegetables as it's main flavor and lean meats like chicken. Anything that says sauteed or steamed...and if you opt for pasta get something is made with a regular marinara sauce, those cream sauces are loaded with fat and calories. Of course, watch your portion size. ;)
   
4. Don't be afraid to ask for substitutions or a doggie bag with your food. Out of sight, out of mind.
   
5. If you decide on drinking alcohol, choose one that isn't packed with sugar.
6. Drink a lot of water before leaving the house. If you have a belly full of water, generally you can't scarf down as much food without feeling a little sick. It forces you to eat slow
7. Most important, focus on the social activity at hand. After all, that IS the reason you are going out in the first place.

I win.

Last night, I had my last class for intro to social work. We had decided that all of us were going to bring some food, and basically have discussion all class. It was uber fun.

I had ate dinner before I went so I didn't walk in there starving, and I had allocated about 600 calories to indulge a little.

I ate 2 small pieces of a pepperoni calzone, and 3 oreo balls. In between I snacked on fruit. I probably ate a good 500. Oreo balls are freaking...AMAZING. Really, I probably could have scarfed down the whole platter they were so good.

I also opted on not bring a cheese and cracker plate, because I am a SUCKER for cheese. I opted for salsa and chips. I'm not really into chips and dip, so it was a good choice. Plus, it was much cheaper.

Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for not chowing hardcore. I lost a pound as well.

Today, I'm meeting with work girls for dinner and a glass of wine...not sure what I should order but I will be taking a look at the menu before I leave.

:D

Today calls for...

REST!

I think I've been to the gym about 5 days in a row now. I woke up this morning sore as fuck from lifting yesterday...to which I had a major accomplishment. I can now do 3 sets of 8 reps with a shoulder press at 30 pounds...and with good form. I remember how hard that shit was six weeks ago.

"I strong, like bool! (bull)"

Anyhoot, I'm sore, my eyes feel heavy which I think is a pretty clear indication that my body is asking for rest. I was contemplating just walking...but no. I shall be on my feet for about 4 hours today slaving over heavy shipment boxes. That is enough for me! Plus, I have a little holiday party tomorrow, and I'd rather save the exercise for tomorrow that way I can eat an extra 200 calories.

Another accomplishment not entirely related to fitness:
I got THE highest grade out of everyone (not just in my class, but the warwick campus class as well) in my intro to social work class. 95.5% *makes ignorant pumped up, bro guy noises* I hauled ass in the class...and the work clearly shows.

I also did not have my usual end of semester nervous break down. I definately chalk this up to my new eating habits and being consistant all semester with working out. It's done amazing things for my stress level and thus my grades...which are honestly more important to me than losing weight. School will always come first in my life as of right now.

Just had to post this!

Not only does this weight chart look really similar to mine, but it made me laugh hysterically.

I will be referencing this whenever I get down and out.

Bahahah

Ugh

This weekend was almost entirely full of fails. Eating too much crappy foods. And these 3 pounds of water weight gain seem to just laugh at me when I step on the scale. It's so hard to not let it ruin my day. But, I know I need to pick myself up and try again. I have such a hard time not being consumed with guilt after a weekend of gorging, but such is life.

This week I have 3 holiday parties, which I'm completely terrified of. I guess I will just do my best to drink plenty of water beforehand and not to leave with an empty stomach. It is going to take every ounce of self control that I have to not hang out by the food table all night. Though, I'm trying to look at these parties like a true test of where I'm at. We shall see. :O

I'm also trying to prepare myself for the weight loss comments, and the fitness advice. Which, is another thing that I hate. Only because I hate having the attention put on me. I know that people say things about my weight loss as a compliment. However, I struggle to accept them. I still majorly lack confidence. I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable talking about my body, even if I got down to 130 pounds.

Anyhoot, enough of the self loathing. Time to hit the gym!

Lack of support from my family

This is the biggest challenge of them all. F' running on a treadmill, or lifting 80 pounds. The exercise part is easy in the grand scheme of things.

But, how do you maintain a healthy lifestyle when those you live with are on a completely different page?

*crickets*

My mom, as of late has been buying an excessive amount of junk food..which she likes to rub in my face.

"Look at what I bought!"

*pulls out bacon, white bread, cinnamon toast crunch, ice cream and peanut butter cookies*

"You can eat this now that you are skinny"

As if losing weight gives you a free pass to stuff face. It doesn't. The weight will just pile back on.

I do not appreciate the condescending remarks about my body either. She is very well aware of my lifestyle change, but as always, likes to make the situation about her.

I do my best to provide my own food: bread, yogurts, fruits, snacks, milk etc. I DO NOT have the financial means to do the bulk of the shopping. If I could, I would.

She makes shit for food choices, and I feel like I'm out of place to say anything. It's her house, she pays the bills. Who am I, her daughter, living there rent free to complain?

I should just eat what I can get, and be thankful for it, right? After all, if I had major bills to pay I wouldn't be in college.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I just have to make a note of these accomplishments

• The leftover Papa Gino's in the fridge is taunting me. I took out the pizza, ready to have another piece and I put it away. I opted for my Arnold double protein bread, and a tablespoon of natural peanut butter and a glass of milk. :)

• I ran for 8 consecutive minutes. I've discovered I'm a much better runner without music. I can focus on my form and breath control.

Ugh

Fuck yesterday. Fuck yesterday in it's gaping asshole. Gross.

Work was just busy, and poorly managed which drives me up the wall given I used to be a manager. I try to separate that kind of thinking when shit isn't running smoothly, but I just can't stand it when I see others slacking off and here I am...slaving. That is beside the point, I just had a yucky day at work.

So, I was really looking forward to blowing off some steam with a quick run and working my legs. I roll up the gym all amped, ready to go..get into the changing room get all changed.

and what do I find?

I FORGOT MY FUCKING GYM SHOES.

I didn't have time to run back home to grab them, because I specifically planned my hour work out in between work and running to grab my cousins.

THEN...I get out of the gym, only to discover that half of my town is out of power. The street lights were down and all. I almost died 10 times. So I decided to go meet Sara at the Panda, so I didn't have to go home to a dark house alone. Of course, I unwillingly drank a beer...110 calories of emptiness.. YUM!

My mom ends up meeting us there, of course she will use any excuse to party. It was pushing 6:30, and we had to go pick up my cousins at 7. She ends up canceling on them because she wants to stay out and drink.

I was annoyed. I haven't seen them in over two months, we had a lot of damage to repair over what happened with fundraiser money (another long story, that I do not want to get into)

So what does this have to do with fitness?

I ended up completely fucking gorging. I ate probably 4 pieces of Papa Gino's pizza (mmm) and well over the recommended serving of some delicious "drumstick" flavored ice cream.

I didn't track my calories. I estimate at around 2,000 though.

I made the conscious decision to not track, and stuff my face...and I feel horribly guilty about it this morning...and I have 2 pounds of undigested crap to account for it.

But, I guess if I'm going to "cheat"...I guess make it count for something.

Stress is definitely my eating trigger.

*sigh*

Today is a new day I suppose.

Frustrated

Today, I hit up the gym...hoping to get in some cardio and some heavy leg routines today.

However, as I'm mid workout with the stair stepper..my energy out of no where: GONE.

Every now and then, I hit a wall with my work out routine. I can blow through my workouts for 5/6 days a week and then all of a sudden getting through 30 minutes of cardio is torture.

I'm beginning to think it's a protein problem. Proteins you see, are essentially the building blocks of life. Everything about us is protein, hair..skin..nails. You name it, it's protein. I average about 50 grams per day.

I KNOW that this isn't enough. I have a tough time getting all my protein through food, so I'm beginning to look into protein shakes for snacks hoping it will help me recover quicker.

My calorie intake as of right now is 1,500 on my off days and 1,700. I try to eat every 3 hours. Either I'm under estimating my calories or I'm not getting the right kinds of food.


Fucking frustrating.

Ergh!

A few accomplishments.

This morning, Rhode Islanders woke up to a random blizzard. Weather man said it just supposed to be rain. So, it did put a damper on my morning. Considering I was all pumped up to go running and do some lifting.

I was debating on whether or not to truck in the snow "just to work out". I had posted a Facebook status regarding this...and I got this reply..

Jeff Harjo

Didn't you ever see Rocky 4? A little snow and communism didn't stop him. Now download "Hearts on Fire", grab a knit cap and get out there.

As silly as this seems, he is right. Though I did not download "Hearts on Fire" or grab a knit cap, but I did manage to get out there. :)

So, thank you Jeff!

When I arrived at the gym, I was pretty happy to see that I damn near the entire place to myself. Minus this one other girl and some dude. It was definitely nice and peaceful for once. :D

I did 40 minutes on the treadmill, walking at 3.7MPH and 10 minutes of that was spent running (Split up into 5 minute intervals). Though, this amount of running isn't anything in comparison to most people. I still did it. I remember when running was such a daunting task for me. I remember when every bone and joint in my body felt like it was on fire. I remember when my lungs felt like they would cave in if I did more than 1 minute of running.

Now, I don't feel any of that. Yes, it is still extremely difficult for me because I'm carrying 197 pounds...but it IS getting easier with every pound lost.


\m/

Pictures

2005- at my heaviest of 250, wearing a size 20 :(

2007-230 pounds...size 18January 2009-232 poundsOctober 2009-215 poundsNovember 2009-205 poundsDecember 2009-197 pounds.

Goodbye 35 pounds of fat, HELLO collarbones <3

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggarnit people like me!

First off, I started this blog to document my fat loss journey. All the joys, sorrows, accomplishments and pitfalls that go along with it.

I figure an appropriate first post would be discussing why I'm doing this in the first place.

Where shall I begin? Let's see..

My weight has had a profound impact on my life. More than I have ever realized until now. I was born at 11 pounds, I was not a fat baby..but I was husky since the day I was expelled from Mom's uterus.

I also learned to associate the word "big" in regards to myself at a very early age. Some of my earliest memories in fact is from a family member commenting how big I was. Granted, this was not said out of insult. Apparently, big toddlers are cute. (A mistake I am damn sure not to make with my own children!)

Weight became a huge issue for me around the age of 8, where I also developed my "womanhood". Naturally, I had bigger fat stores in my boobs, hips and thighs and about 4 years before my other peers. They didn't even know what a bra was for Christ sake, and here I am..8 years old wearing pads and shaving my legs.

Those were some of the hardest years of my life...being physically and emotionally ahead of everyone else...ick.

From there, weight has just been a battle. High school I tipped the scales at 250 pounds. I've been called every name in the book. I never went on dates, never went to dances, no pool parties or beach outings. I just completely disconnected from my high school peers with music, drugs, and hanging out with people that were at least out of a 10 mile radius from my town. (Nothing against those who I hung out with, but my high school experience has been far from typical, thank you ICP!)

All that time, I hid behind big clothes...until I got a job at Torrid. That place has been a blessing to me, I learned how to dress for my size...but I also learned how to hide my weight in other ways.

Developing a fake confidence that is put on by clothes, makeup, jewelry...don't get me wrong. Style plays a huge role in confidence boosting, but I used it as a crutch. Style should highlight confidence, not create it.I was doing the exact same thing I did using the big t-shirts...HIDING.

I made excuse after excuse.

"I'm fat, but I'm curvy and happy"
"I'm fat, but at least I dress better than that 120 pound chick over there"
"But, I have a pretty face"

Yada, yada, yada.

Well, I will tell you this. I am not hiding anymore. I'm not making excuses for the way I am anymore. Excuses, made me balloon up to 250 pounds. Excuses have held me back my ENTIRE LIFE.

I'm not sure what happened. But I woke up one morning and said to myself...

"I've spent my life as an insecure baby, insecure child, insecure teen. I am NOT going to spend my adulthood in that same place".

I have tried every fad diet you can think of, and nothing has worked. Fad diets=fade diets (I read that from somewhere, so I can't take credit for that).

Currently, I'm focused on changing my lifestyle and my associations with food..which I hope I will carry into my 30's and beyond.

I'm proud to say that I have lost 35 pounds...and that I weigh 197 pounds...down from 232 when I first started tracking. My weight has not started with a number 1, in well over 10 years. When I saw that on the scale, I cried and cried out of happiness.

This is the most honest I've ever been about my weight, I don't see or feel the need to hide it anymore. I will never learn to love my body otherwise.

So, to whoever is reading this...I just want to thank you for the support...because I need all I can get.

<3








Here are some of my stats:

Heaviest weight: 250
Starting weight: 232
Current Weight: 197
Starting BMI: 39.8%
Current BM: 33.8%