Feelin'....good.

I am officially down 45 pounds...which leaves me at 187. Freakin' finally. All January I've been busting my ass just to creep into the 180's, which was proving to be difficult. However, January I've been trying extra hard to get in more protein...as a result, I've retained a TON of muscles. One morning I woke up and randomly had biceps, and definition in my quads.

WOO!

Also, the last few weeks I've been trying harder to get in proper nutrition. I've been eating more veggies, aiming to eat carbs around my workouts and increase my fat and protein consumption with leaner meats. Honestly, I feel freakin' awesome. I get random spurts of energy, where I'll just clean my house in 45 minutes. SCORE!

I just cannot wait to be able to say "I've lost 50 pounds". I mean...that's a huge amount of weight! I'm anticipating buying a bathing suit and various other summer clothes. I may just wear shorter shorts this summer!!! :D

I've never felt this good physically, and I'm aiming to feel good emotionally as well.

Actually, over the weekend I had a heart to heart with my "ex", you know..the one that I mentioned that doubted me. We talked for a few hours about me, him and our insecurities. The air was cleared, he hates that I'm so insecure about my body...and just gave me reassurance that he never judged me based on my weight. Quite frankly, he says he loved my body...even when I was 232 pounds. It made me feel good, and I don't have so much weight on shoulders in regards to him anymore. The confidence is building, slowly but surely.

I can shop XL tee's now in the freakin.....JUNIORS section. It's little things such as this that will help me in the long run. Though, I feel being fat might have been a blessing on my budget...I love to shop. I might be in danger now that I'm leaner. Haha.


This week, I also started my last semester at CCRI. It's gonna be a tough one. 3 Math intensive courses and Asian Civ. FML! I had a few food planning fails this week because of it, but it was expected. It usually takes me a good 3 weeks to really get the hang out my routine. I'm just hoping I'm gonna end with a bang, these classes I'm in are extremely hard. I hate myself for not balancing out my classes better when I first started, but oh well.

Uhh, I think that's it for now. I have homework to do. :P

Random thoughts

I went out last night to some billiard bar for my sister's show. Night was kind of boring...only drank half a beer. Alcohol wasn't jiving with me, just wasn't in the mood. But, I was being dawned over all night about my weight. Still something I struggle with, but it felt really good to hear the compliments. My HARD WORK is paying off. We got out of the show at 1AM, we are all wicked hungry....so my friends opted for Denny's. I really wasn't about going out, nor did I even plan to eat out that night. But, I tagged along. I just wanted to have some fun with my friends and not worry about calories. I didn't do TOO bad. I just got a 3 egg omelet and wheat toast. The only guilt I had was spending 12 bucks on a crap omelet. Even I could have made a better one lol. Either way, I had a good night. Got home at 4am, woke up at 9am and went to the gym for 11.

It was my cardio day, and I ran a full mile today without feeling like death. The interval running for sure increasing my endurance. I felt great today....until I brought home 2 pints of fresh blueberries. My mom insisted that she was going to make pancakes. I told her "My money paid for these, and they aren't being wasted on with junk".

Probably NOT the nicest thing I could have said, but I am so tired of their lack of support. I'm tired of them eating health food that I buy for myself. I'm tired of them rubbing junk food in my face, and the overall snotty attitudes my mother in particular gives me whenever I talk about it.


I hate living in this house, I hate that I have other people attempting to control my health habits. I have two more years left of college before I start my career and get on my own.


I should start looking for a sugar daddy.. :-P

Drum roll please!

I finally lost a pound...after almost 3 fucking weeks!

HOORAY!

But...with that said..I took a good long hard look in the mirror yesterday. I've noticed significant muscle changes in my back, biceps, and calves. While I'm not necessarily losing weight, I just think I'm gaining more muscle mass. I'm still fitting in smaller clothing every time I shop...so..obviously something is happening. And, the last 3 weeks I have been aiming to get at least 20g of protein in each meal.

With that said, looking at my posts the last week...I really need to quit being so damn hard on myself...and that's with everything in my life. I get so upset even if I get a B in school. I constantly trying to be the best at everything, which isn't a bad thing....but I need to learn to deal with failures and bumps in the road.

Anyhow, off to the gym. :)

Feeling overwhelmed.

Last night, I had a complete meltdown after my sister made negative comments about the "health food crap" that I always eat. It really hurts me that I don't have the support system I'd like from the people I love the most.

Most of the time, I feel like I only have myself. And some days, like last night and yesterday I just feel emotionally weak. Who's there to pick me up? ME.

I've learned a great deal about nutrition and exercise in the last few months. But now I struggle with taking this information, simplifying it and making it apply to my OWN lifestyle. I've had it with scheduled eating. "Oh, it's been 3 hours, need a metabolism boost!" I just recently went from eating 4 meals a day, to about 6. I really don't think this is working for me. I just feel totally overwhelmed by food and it's taking the enjoyment out of this lifestyle for me.

Right now, I just want to lose the fat. I do not care about being a sculpted muscle machine right now. I just want to eat my breakfast, lunch, and dinner...,maybe a snack or two and be on my way.

I feel weak.

Personal Training

I had my first session with the trainer today. I went...alright. Not trying to be arrogant, but I felt I had more knowledge than her in terms of nutrition and how a human body functions in general. However, it wasn't a complete waste of time or money...so I'm going to address the pros and cons of my specific situation.

Pros

• She showed me a few exercises that I normally do on a weight machine with free weights. For example, I could lift 70 pounds do a pectoral fly on the machine. But, with free weights just using 5 pound dumb bells with the same motion is significantly much more challenging. Dumb bells force you to use your stabilizing muscles and focus on your form.
• Second, I discovered that I absolutely love to lift weights. I'm looking forward to starting on my own.
• She had corrected my form on my squats and lunges which I was doing all wrong. So yeah, I've been wasting time lol.

Cons

• I felt we had a personality clash. I found her very quiet, boring and overall unmotivating.
• She did not provide me with consistent feedback on my form unless I was doing something wrong. Well, for me..I thrive on feedback. I need to know what it is I am doing right as well.
• She did not give me information as to why I was doing this certain exercises. I kept having to ask her what muscle groups were being used...etc.
• She didn't really give me information that I could use on my own, which is probably the catch. "Let's be as vague as possible, so they can keep paying us" kind of thing.

I guess personal training is very similar to dating. Can't mesh with everyone. But I did learn a lot...and she did give me a pretty decent work out. :) I'm just beginning to see the importance of working with a knowledgeable staff...probably will be doing some membership shopping when my contract is up.


That is all, folks

A few things I would like to note...

• I am growing increasingly frustrated with how little I am losing the past few weeks. I have only lost 1 1/5 pounds this week. Yes, you are probably reading this thinking "Wtf, that is perfectly fine!" And it is, but when I started this a few months ago I was averaging a 10 pound loss each month. Now, it's likely to be 4-6 pounds. I know that if I crunch my numbers I am probably losing at the same % rate. I feel the plateau approaching. Though, a Livestrong member told me to not think of it as a bad thing. They said it's a good sign that my body is well on it's way to becoming fit. So, I keep trying to remind myself this everyday. It's just I'm a weighaholic. And I am beginning to understand why most experts do not recommend using the scale. I think today I'm gonna go to a craft store or something and purchase some tape measure...I need some new strategies. I absolutely cannot and WILL NOT let a stupid inanimate object ruin my day. Dumb.

• I booked an appointment with the personal trainer at Planet Fitness. A whopping $40. I am hoping this will be worth it. I have lots of questions for her. But, she seems like a cool chick. She looked rather thrilled to book me, given that I already know a decent amount about fitness and nutrition (still learning!). I know most of her clientel are mostly fitness newbies, so I'm sure it will be fun for her. Just hope that she challenges me, and teaches me the basics of the weight room. I've done a fair share of research on the internet, but for me...it's one thing to follow along to a YouTube video at home and another to step in the room at your gym with a shit ton of equipment standing next to dudes with biceps bigger than your face! Either way, I'm excited to learn something new. And it's a pretty big step for me in terms of my confidence level. I could honestly care less anymore about how hard I sweat, or the funny faces I make when I lift. I'm there to work out and better myself...not to look cute (hopefully this kind of attitude I can eventually carry with me when I go out to a bar...well...sort of! lol)

• Yesterday, I sorta gorged a little bit. I did fine from the morning time until about 4pm. Even though I had breakfast, a snack, a lunch and another snack...I still had hunger pangs. My body COULD just be adapting to my increased calorie consumption, but I don't know. Doesn't matter though, I gave in anyway. I had pork loin, corn and some delicious Rice of Roni pasta at a whopping 350 calories a cup. YIKES. I probably ate like 8oz of pork and two cups of this rice...and then topped it off with a piece of pumpkin pie. I'm not really sure why either, no emotional triggers. I wasn't bored. The fact of the matter is...I just wanted to stuff my fucking face...and I did. First time in MONTHS that I had gone for a second serving. I laid in bed last night feeling sort of guilty about it, but I decided that it was stupid to feel guilty over one night of eating like a mad woman. The guilt emotion is far to energing consuming, so I stopped and fell asleep soundly.
  

The above picture

I found this browsing through posts on the Livestrong forum.

I find this picture inspiring, I love everything about it.

:)

A mixture of ups and downs.

This afternoon...I squeezed in a really good one hour cardio session. I ran a mile, pushed it really hard...mostly motivated by last nights conversation with a friend. I had a really corny cry baby Biggest Loser moment going on in my head. All I kept picturing was Jillian screaming like a mad woman in my face. As much as I dislike her, it worked. After I ran that mile in a good 10 minutes, I did a brief cool down for a two or three minutes. I then did a 50 minute walk changing up my incline. I walked at a 7% incline for 5 minutes at 3.2MPH and then walked 2 minutes on a 0% incline at 3.5MPH. I felt great after, I felt like I molted or something. My legs for sure are feeling it...especially in my calves and hamstrings. I looked in the mirror today, and noticed that my calf muscles look amazing. Most men would envy them, so that is pretty nice. I might even wear shorts this summer. Hehe.

Anyhow, back to my friend that pretty much motivated me to push for the mile. We have been (what I think) pretty good friends now for a while. I like him, a lot. I always have. But, I grow frustrated because it's been over a year since I've seen him. My main form of communication with him is through AIM. We recently had made plans in September to see one another, and then he canceled on me because he was sick. I flipped out about that, said some pretty nasty things I'm sure. We then discussed a few weeks ago about seeing each other, and then he comes back from vacation with a blown out back.

So, I had asked him if there was something wrong with me. I wasn't trying to accuse him of lying or anything. The bottom line is, I've been waiting around for a year pretty much. I'm tired of it. Normally, I never have this much patience with anyone. I'm not sure why he has me wrapped around his finger...

I feel kind of bad about calling him out on it, yet I don't. I think this all boils down to trust. The pattern of behavior has been pretty consistent...so I debate whether I'm just insecure or if I am genuinely being played like a fool. He knows I'm insecure, but I don't think has a clue about what it is or why that is. It saddens me that this is the reason he doubts me.

Not just because of him specifically, but this is the reason why I want to change. I'm terrified of being alone. Someday (definately not anytime soon) I would like to have a family. It's important to me. But I can't continue pushing people away with my insecurites.

I feel like I can go months being confident, and feeling good. And then stupid stuff like this sets me back. I compare it to battling a drug addiction or alcohol problem.

I don't know how to approach him about the way I feel without him getting so upset with me. I'm afraid to make him angry. I don't know how to tell him that I've always felt like a prisoner in my body...and how much it's effected everything that I do in my life. Whenever I meet a guy, I EXPECT rejection, I expect to be made fun of and I expect to be left like a piece of trash. Maybe subconsciously, that is what I want?

When I was in 7th grade, all my friends started getting into boys. I didn't. I was still a virgin at that time. Never even kissed a boy. There was this guy in my grade that I really liked...a lot. So one day, I managed to get the courage to ask him out. I did, in a note of course...haha! He wrote me back and all the note said was "You are too fat". It hurt me. I think that started my downward spiral with my body image issues and not feeling wanted.

I've felt fat and ugly since I was four. Letting these feelings go is extremely difficult. I need mental toughness!

******** (9:19:00 PM): No. This is not what this is about. This about some sort of insecurity that lingers in you.

The subject says it all.

Yep....... And at eats away at me....almost everyday. The thing is, this comment didn't even upset me. He is right. I feel emotionless right now. If my gym were open right now, I'd be there. It's the only sanity I have.

I'm all effed up.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that I am majorly under eating.

Normally, I try to eat between 1,500-1,700 calories...when I should be eating 2,100. I didn't realize how huge calorie cuts ultimately destroy your metabolism. It's no wonder why I lost 40 so quick and hardly see any muscle growth. I have been starving myself for months.

So now, I'm working on increasing my calorie intake by 100 each day...hoping to not shock my system and gain the weight back.

But, something about eating that many calories is still off putting. That is A LOT of food. Yeah, it's easy to do in a meal or two if you eat like crap but majority of my diet consists of whole foods. So, I'm pretty overwhelmed with my meal planning. I think I need to add a shake in there somewhere.

I've picked up the New Rules for Lifting for Women at Border's the other day, easily the best $11 I spent. I'm starting to understand the science behind fat loss, which does a lot to ease the anxiety.

I feel all screwed up though, both my routine and diet are wrong. I'm trying to not beat myself up over it, because fitness is really confusing. I think I've made a lot of strides that past few months. No more lazy lethargic Linz! I'm coughing up the extra dough to have a session with the personal trainer. I need her to show me the ropes of the weight room and get real serious with weight training.

That's another thing. I've x'ed out the running goal of right now. Is running a good goal? Sure, but for what I want to achieve it's pretty much the most useless exercise there is and the most exhausting. Running apparently destroys muscle mass, and isn't great for calorie expenditure as you become better at it (as with any cardio routine, really). Until I get to a good body fat %, I will not be training for a 5k. Afterwards, I can THEN focus on atheletic skills.

But, this isn't to say I can't do a quick 5/10 minute jog to warm up..or interval running...I'm just taking the focus away for running for distance/time/speed. I want to focus on building strength and stability and replacing this fat with some muscle. My goal isn't to become "thin", I just want to be healthy both physically and mentally.

40 pound mark...and more!

So, I have hit the 40 pound mark. Equivalent to losing a small child off my body. I have a tough time seeing it on somedays, after all...I'm used to seeing my body everyday. So, I have to look at old pictures to give myself a reminder as to how far I've come.

Though, I'm a little frustrated because now that I weigh less...I'm losing the weight slower. I was averaging about 10 pounds a month aka two pounds a week if you do the math. Now, I'm lucky to lose 1 pound a week. I really need to take a look at my routine and figure out where to tweak it. So far...it goes as follows

Sunday: Cardio day, usually an hour to an hour and 15 minutes.
Monday: 10 minute warm up, back and abs, 30 minutes of cardio
Tuesday: 10 minute warm up, chest, shoulders and arms, 30 minutes of cardio
Wednesday: 10 minute warm up, legs, 30 minutes of cardio
Thursday: Rest
Friday: Cardio day
Saturday: Whatever I didn't get to squeeze in.


Looking at this now, this seems so...routine. I hate it. I need to make some changes, but I'm afraid to ween off the cardio because my focus is still largely on burning fat, not building muscle.
I REALLY want to add yoga one day a week, but I've been having issues getting in contact with the place. I'd like to take a visit before I register for a class. Either way, I need something different.

I'm growing bored, tired, and gyming 6 days a week is extremely taxing on my body.

After running my first mile this week, I got a little over confident. So I decided to up the weights on my leg routines...AND practice lunges. Well, I pretty much blew out my entire ass and quadriceps muscles. I'm unbelievably sore, to the point where I can BARELY walk up and down stairs. I'm probably walking like I did the dirty deed the night before, haha.

But oh well, slight injury is bound to happen. You live and learn.

If anyone though, has any suggestions on what I can do to rework my craptastic, chore of a routine..I will gladly accept any feedback.

:D :D :D :D :D

My first workout of 2010, and I started off by running my first full mile at 5.7MPH. Took me about 10 minutes.

The first few minutes I felt like death, my ankles and knees were throbbing. I just wanted to stop, but I kept telling myself I could do it. For some reason, staring at the sweat dripping down this dude's back on the treadmill in front of me seemed to keep me going. I was mentally racing him.

I just remember back in gym class in grade school, the first few classes were always those stupid fitness tests, which were always humiliating. I couldn't do anything like the other kids, now I am proud to say that I can out lift and out run most skinny girls and some of the men that go to my gym.

It's amazing to see and feel how my body is adapting and changing.