The biggest reason I hate being fat

Side Note: I do not write things as a means of self loathing, nor will these depressing posts get me off track. If anything, it helps me. If I get off my chest, it lingers off my mind. Losing a significant amount of weight isn't easy. Weight plays a huge role in shaping your identity, and at times, I struggle with my own. Weight extends beyond your physical health, half of this process should largely deal with emotional baggage that comes with it.




LIVING WITH SHAME

My entire life has been surrounded about worrying about my appearance. It's time consuming, and energy depleting to live with such anxiety. Especially, in the relationship department. I never got guys in my teens. I hung around with girls who were significantly thinner and much more beautiful than I was. I was the typical tag along fat friend. Even today, there are many times when I go out to bars or clubs with friends, only to watch them have drinks bought for them almost the entire night. I see them get hit on without even trying, and only to listen to them bitch and moan about it after. Then there is me, envious that I don't get that sort of attention. Though, I do realize it is irrational to blame it totally on my appearance. Perhaps I don't smile enough, or make appropriate eye contact. I'm a terrible flirt.

On the occasion that I do meet a nice fella, I'm sick with worry about what he thinks of me. I wonder what kind of girls he "normally" dates. I intentionally shrug off any compliment he gives me. "He is just trying to sleep with me, God forbid that any man in his right mind would find me attractive". Then if I allow myself to feel comfortable with him, I'll sleep with him. But I dread the part where he will be undressing me, and touching me. In every essence it is humiliating.

Ugh, and when he'll ask for me to get on top....I really would just like to run away and projectile vomit. But I do it anyway, pretending to be enthusiastic. While I think of other positions he might enjoy but at the same time will make me look as less fat as possible. Nothing makes you feel more feminine than being bigger than the person you are fucking.

Oh, and let's not forget..the lights must be turned off. Pitch black preferably.

And then when everything is all said and done, I immediately put my clothes back on. He's fucking stupid if he thinks I'm gonna cuddle without a shirt on. HA! Oh, and of course, I must reapply the make up. My zits might gross him out too.


And then I wonder why I don't get a call back.