A mixture of ups and downs.

This afternoon...I squeezed in a really good one hour cardio session. I ran a mile, pushed it really hard...mostly motivated by last nights conversation with a friend. I had a really corny cry baby Biggest Loser moment going on in my head. All I kept picturing was Jillian screaming like a mad woman in my face. As much as I dislike her, it worked. After I ran that mile in a good 10 minutes, I did a brief cool down for a two or three minutes. I then did a 50 minute walk changing up my incline. I walked at a 7% incline for 5 minutes at 3.2MPH and then walked 2 minutes on a 0% incline at 3.5MPH. I felt great after, I felt like I molted or something. My legs for sure are feeling it...especially in my calves and hamstrings. I looked in the mirror today, and noticed that my calf muscles look amazing. Most men would envy them, so that is pretty nice. I might even wear shorts this summer. Hehe.

Anyhow, back to my friend that pretty much motivated me to push for the mile. We have been (what I think) pretty good friends now for a while. I like him, a lot. I always have. But, I grow frustrated because it's been over a year since I've seen him. My main form of communication with him is through AIM. We recently had made plans in September to see one another, and then he canceled on me because he was sick. I flipped out about that, said some pretty nasty things I'm sure. We then discussed a few weeks ago about seeing each other, and then he comes back from vacation with a blown out back.

So, I had asked him if there was something wrong with me. I wasn't trying to accuse him of lying or anything. The bottom line is, I've been waiting around for a year pretty much. I'm tired of it. Normally, I never have this much patience with anyone. I'm not sure why he has me wrapped around his finger...

I feel kind of bad about calling him out on it, yet I don't. I think this all boils down to trust. The pattern of behavior has been pretty consistent...so I debate whether I'm just insecure or if I am genuinely being played like a fool. He knows I'm insecure, but I don't think has a clue about what it is or why that is. It saddens me that this is the reason he doubts me.

Not just because of him specifically, but this is the reason why I want to change. I'm terrified of being alone. Someday (definately not anytime soon) I would like to have a family. It's important to me. But I can't continue pushing people away with my insecurites.

I feel like I can go months being confident, and feeling good. And then stupid stuff like this sets me back. I compare it to battling a drug addiction or alcohol problem.

I don't know how to approach him about the way I feel without him getting so upset with me. I'm afraid to make him angry. I don't know how to tell him that I've always felt like a prisoner in my body...and how much it's effected everything that I do in my life. Whenever I meet a guy, I EXPECT rejection, I expect to be made fun of and I expect to be left like a piece of trash. Maybe subconsciously, that is what I want?

When I was in 7th grade, all my friends started getting into boys. I didn't. I was still a virgin at that time. Never even kissed a boy. There was this guy in my grade that I really liked...a lot. So one day, I managed to get the courage to ask him out. I did, in a note of course...haha! He wrote me back and all the note said was "You are too fat". It hurt me. I think that started my downward spiral with my body image issues and not feeling wanted.

I've felt fat and ugly since I was four. Letting these feelings go is extremely difficult. I need mental toughness!